I'm back!

I've just read my last post.

Oops. Well, at least I know my own faults.

So after all this time you'd think I'd have loads to say, wouldn't you?

Oh dear.

OK, start from where you left off, that would probably be the best idea.

The whole fingernail cutting is conquered, yay! It's now almost ritualistic, I have to have my weekly fix or I start to twitch.......
Seriously, I still have my moments, you know, when you close the teeth of the clippers and you could swear you felt resistance, you wait for the wail, that look of deepest hurt and betrayal in their eyes like you just gave away their upsy daisy doll, but for the most part I would say we've cracked it.

And now, the inevitable has happened. I've just sat down, raring to go (I'm actually getting into a nice rhythm and could go on for some time), but baby's awake.

Did I hear somebody say phew?!?!?

We were out and about today, and at one point I had an (unusually) interesting thought. Not having the computer with me, I did something it feels like I haven't done for years - I found a pen and a bit of paper, and I wrote it down.

The fish......

It has just occurred to me that the fish at the top of the page are a bit like the ideas in my head, floating around randomly in a wide empty space.

Just thought I'd share that.

Diagnosis

I have decided I suffer from a little known condition called Confidence Deficit Disorder. Five months of little more than baby talk has left me, quite frankly, scared of adult company and conversation. I dart round the local supermarket hoping not to bump into anyone I know, and if I do, I stutter and mumble like the village idiot. Even family are beginning to notice, and I'm sure one or two of them think I'm on some kind of drug. Any attempts at normal conversation leave me feeling frazzled, my brain melts and I have to sit down with a cup of tea.

Any hints and tips would be greatly appreciated. Just don't expect a sane reply.

So many topics, so little time.....

Have you ever looked at the clock and wondered where the day has gone??

Today has been one of those days. The alarm went off at 6.30am because daddy had an early start, and despite my best efforts to stay in bed a little longer I was wide awake, so at 7 I admitted defeat and got up. Liv followed on about 15 minutes later, so my idea of a lazy cup of tea, cereal and the breakfast news was also scuppered. Daddy went off before 8, leaving mum and daughter alone for the day.

I had so many plans.......

Firstly, I had decided to take Liv along to the local mums and toddlers group for the first time since moving here. Actually I've been putting it off - I'm not great at new people things, and I keep coming up with excuses not to go. This, however, is not exactly a healthy example to set junior, so I steel myself to take the bull by the proverbials and go. Plenty of time thought I, since the group didn't start till 10, I can get Liv down for her morning nap (without which I wouldn't even consider taking her out the door - she's like a different child, honestly), get myself ready (I am, at this point, still in grotty jammies, hair like Medusa and yesterday's mascara) and call the number in the local paper to ask if there's a minimum age for attendance, and do we just turn up.  Meanwhile Liv is showing no signs of needing a nap at all, and since to put her down before she's ready is asking for trouble, I decide to leave her to kick about on her mat while I make a start on the mountain of washing that seems to be breeding in the laundry basket.
I had stripped the bed when I got up, so that went on first so that it would dry and be back on the bed in a matter of hours, or at least that was the theory. Then I started on the pile of dishes left from last night, getting interrupted by a now fretful and sleepy Liv. I took her upstairs to the nursery and deposited her in her cot, where she chewed on her rabbit's arm and drifted peacefully off to sleep.

This was 8.40am. Still plenty of time.

Hah.

Next phase - trying to fit in as much as possible while baby is sleeping. Shower done and personal presentation taken care of, I took out one load of washing and replaced it with the next one, hung the first lot out, and finished the dishes, completely forgetting about the time. 9.40. Shit. Figuring I'd left it a bit late to phone now, and since Liv was still asleep and showed no signs of surfacing for a while, I abandoned the toddler group idea till next week. Hopefully.

So, change of plan. I decided to attack the whole baby food arena. Raiding the fridge and cupboards, I gathered an array of suitable dishes to make, blitz and freeze ready for the next week. Halfway through organising pots and boiling kettles, baby woke, so I left the kitchen like a bombsite and brought her downstairs. And so it has been like this for most of the day, starting one task, being diverted by another, interspersed with Liv's (frequent) demands. So here I am, at 3.30pm, sitting down for what feels like the first time today. Baby is asleep (again), I've just managed a late lunch and a cup of tea, the washing machine is working on load number four (told you it was breeding), the freezer drawer if full of little tubs (and the sink is full of new dishes) from the baby food bonanza, the bedding is on the sofa waiting to be put back on the bed,  and any minute now daddy will be home.

If he asks if we've managed to go for a walk today, I might just cry.

Finally...

I did it! I cut Olivia's nails!

Not before she managed to leave two horrible track marks down her cheek though....

Sigh.

Sharp as a tack

Why can't I cut my baby's fingernails???

The first time daddy tried, he snipped the corner of the very last nail. Her face contorted into the most frightening mask of hurt and betrayal, then she let forth a wail the likes of which I'd never heard before. I had even less success on my first attempt. The whole traumatic experience has left us both unwilling to repeat it, so now we both put up with scratch marks on our faces (she's now grabbing everything within reach) and actively avoiding the issue. Shamefully, we've even had family members offering to do it for us. We have, of course, politely refused, saying that it's on our list of things to do later today.

Just one more cup of tea, then I'll do it. Promise.

Blogging

This whole blogging thing is really quite strange. I started off so enthusiastically (as I normally do with any new venture), then my creative juices kinda ran dry (another regular occurrence), leaving me feeling guilty that I haven't blogged for days (noticing a life pattern here....), so here I am, typing frantically in the hope that something interesting will occur to me.....

Or that somebody somewhere will empathise, and read this anyway.

Business

We are trying to set up our new business. The whole idea of getting out there and promoting ourselves, however, is proving to be a difficult one. Neither of us is particularly good at blowing our own trumpet, and so we're struggling with the basics like putting information onto our website. (Yes, we have a website. Told you I was getting good at all this stuff.)

It amazes me that I was always so good at things like this at school, writing reports and essays and stuff, but now when it comes to writing about my own business, which of all people I should know everything about, I struggle to put more than two sentences together. So it's coming together slowly, a sentence or two every day. Pathetic really, but it'll be worth it in the end.

Offloading

I'm finding the whole blogging thing really quite cathartic. It's freeing, sitting here in my PJs emptying my brain onto the screen. The fact that they all tend to be short posts says something about my brain content post-baby.

Who am I kidding? It was never full to begin with.

Wine

I never used to drink wine. I was strictly a spirits girl. Wine gave me a headache. After a year of staying (almost) teetotal, however, I decided to veer away from the hard stuff, at least for now, and give the old vino another try. Since I am still breastfeeding I add a dash of lemonade, just so I don't feel so bad.

So nowadays this generally how you'll find me ABBT (After Baby's Bed Time) - computer on lap, white wine spritzer on the table within arm's reach, TV talking to itself in the background.

I gotta get out more.

The Modern Age

I'm getting the hang of all this techno stuff. I'm now a veteran of facebook, and have even learned to tweet. Well, I've signed up anyway. I sort of wait for these pages to do all sorts of weird and wonderful things that then compel me to link to something else, or follow something, rather than being able to actually use them to my advantage. Olivia will probably get there before I do.

Olivia

My daughter amazes me. It's true - I can spend hours just watching her, and have, frequently. Like right now, for instance. I sat down to write this post about half an hour ago, but got distracted by Olivia trying to chew the grab bar that usually sits over her chair while at the same time bringing both her knees up to her chest. This impresses me, because I can only manage to do the same these days if I use my hands to help.

She slept right through the night last night, from just after 7pm by the time daddy had finished her bedtime story and she finally nodded off, through till around 7.30am. I'm putting this down to the fact that she is now well and truly part of the baby rice fan club, and therefore no longer needs a top up at 3am, as has been the case for around six weeks now. Early days, I know, last night could have been a wonderful fluke and we'll be topping up tonight as usual. I gave her a little extra for tea, just in case. Watch this space.

Little Things

I'm still getting used to little things everywhere - little vests and t-shirts, little dresses, little socks......

Olivia got her first little skirt the other day, and although it has to be one of the cutest things she owns so far, it is also one of the most useless. It doesn't cover anything, when you pick her up it disappears into her waistline, I spent more time pulling it down than I ever did my own.

The best bits are little pyjamas, those cute little all-in-one outfits with the poppers down the front, which is how I remember babies being dressed when I was younger and dreaming of my own little family.

Doesn't stop me dressing her in teeny jeans though.

Where to start?

I'm new to all this. I'm not used to talking about my innermost anything, never really kept a diary, and the thought of somebody else reading stuff like that is, quite frankly, terrifying.

So, here goes.

Actually, when it comes to things like this, it's usually a case of having too much to say and not knowing where to start really. It would probably make sense to say a bit about myself, explain where all this is coming from.

I'm the wrong side of thirty, in fact the wrong side of thirty five, which doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. After years of living with a faulty relationship radar, I'm finally settled with a partner I adore and a beautiful four month old daughter, Olivia, or Liv for short. I always wanted a name that couldn't be shortened, but in the end it took about an hour before we shortened it ourselves. Still, could be worse - when I was pregnant we referred to her as Jellybean (long story, basically at our first scan the midwife said the foetus looked like a little jellybean) and we were honestly convinced it would stick after she was born. Thankfully, it didn't. Lucky escape which I'm sure she'll thank me for when she's older.

Starting afresh

This is kinda complicated, so I'll try to keep it short.

I have a friend (I use the term loosely - we were friends at school, which was half a lifetime ago) who is exceedingly good at all this tuff, so I followed a link to their blog, which inspired me to have a go myself. A few links later and I was full of ideas, and set about getting started. Imagine my surprise when I found that I already had one. This one.

Must've been drunk at the time.

So, here goes. My very own blog.

What now??